ME MYSELF and I

It's freaking hard to fathom why in this world we exists with lots of things to discover. It starts from ourselves, family,wondering about our nature, how the flowers bloom, how did the sea creatures survived from the cruelty of nature. How did i grew  bigger and bigger, knowing that all i ate, was being digested and became waste. Still, i am here. Theories that taught me to wonder, to question if does this earth and universe made up with some "banging theory- that holds everything in the universe, the stars,galaxies,radiation, interstellar gas, everything was created in one huge explosion.Since that time all of the matter in the universe is hurtling outward at speeds that increase with the distance from the site of the explosion, and which approach the speed of light for the most distant objects.Wondering, why we need to choose one, instead of making it many. Knowing that "the more the merrier". But it can't be i lots of ways. In Love, in marriage, in jobs, in family- everything has it's own story to tell. So was other people like me wondering about the movement of the nature the earth, and the whole wide universe.

Am just full of crappy things, those imaginations that wrapped up this whole post. I was wondering a lot. Why's and what's keepin' coming on my mind. Is this the sign of getting older-or another weird Scientology beliefs. Lining up with this is my undying funny thoughts about my faith in God.

I was struggling to walked, when i met my friend from our church which we both did fellowship with. She asked me, why she's no longer been seeing me in the church, what's the reason. So i replied " I just need to gauge, what's good for now, God knows am not leaving Him though. And i will be going back i guess next year." So this was my statement. But abruptly she said : "What if you will die this year, what will you do?
I never had any  issues with my church mates and anybody there, just that, am having some battle that i cannot really take it with me on the ground. So i lied low and think-  took some breath. Then i freakingly answered : Well, i will probably going to hell i know, but before it will happened, am preparing my business to be with me in hell, you know selling some "Ice water".  Annoyingly - it is not the good answer. But am taking my battle away from the topic. I don't want to open up.

What's my battle though?

I never wished to be like this. To like men, to feel that they we're more attractive than my girl friend, that they exudes more than lasses out there. Every time i saw some cuties,hunks or whatever people call them up, i felt uneasy and seems like the bomb's going to explode. My heart beats like there's no tomorrow. I fantasize a lot. Gosh man. I know a lot of people we're getting into it. The way i talked just really manly, the way i moved, and well my clothes are freaking for men, just that i love fashion. It wasn't really cool to have this kind of "state of mind". Its boos creates annoyance. Everytime i see guys, i find them awesome to kiss. Admittedly, i got 15 boyfriends. Hahahaha.But am demure though. I don't know, i just feel like am happy having them with me. I mean am a typical gal,happy to be with. I hope so. Then suddenly they fell inlove with me. So what am i going to do with it- grab.

This is serious. I am in the state of mind where i need to choose. To heaven of hell. To God or to Satan. See, everything should be in order. But i know, to choose where i would really want, floats. It's now hard to determined. I am in jargon. Trying to figure out what's best for me. Today i could come up with a strong decision that i will choose God. But latter days, i broke it. It's pretty silly i know. Which is which. But what about the hot guys dude? Or my girl friend? My faith? Should think freakin' million times!

What will it be...