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Timothy Jian Smithson

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Today, I am bracing myself. Today I am cinching the belt, I am removing the self-respect. I am taking my chances on this unknown. Glancing on to faces-odd and new. Convincing my inner self  I am fine. I am okay.

Convincing that in life options such as this would somewhat  teach me to be brave. It would somehow gives me  courage to pursue my dreams, to strive hard for it. To put it into reality. But now my nerves are shaking, the brain neurons are simply producing abnormal hormones.

Why on earth did I come up with such a dire choice? Believing, I can do more than this. I can do more than what is possible to bear in mind. But I am sorry, I have assured myself, convinced and have  conjured  that doing this tonight is the only way to survive. This is the clashing of fear and self-respect- the war of pride and need. As much as I wanted to prolong the mindset of " everything will just fall into place" I could not contained myself anymore. The pressure is hunting me.

I could no longer take the agony of my daily hiatus. It is suffocating.

My fear is forcefully wrapping me, it chills me to the bone. All these years, I have been so strong on protecting the one and the only treasure I have- my self-respect. Living decently, and clinging onto this vow was an agreement even before my parents passed away. It was a strong verbal advice, "to live decently."

But on the direst times like this, bracing myself and fastening my seat-belt are the only few things I can do to protect my demureness. My mind is in deep tremor. Would I suck myself  "just" to get something? Or would I go home with my "self-respect" intact?

But I have come up with a decision, I am taking my chance- and I would not change it anymore. For tonight the buzzes of cars and deafening sound of howling old jeepneys and buses as well as their spins are the only cheering melody echoing inside my head. The flickering lights and the noise of EDSA somewhat protecting me, as if the norm's of being human living decently is still afloat. Just as you thought.
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