Today, I am bracing myself. Today I am cinching the belt, I am removing the self-respect. I am taking my chances on this unknown. Glancing on to faces-odd and new. Convincing my inner self I am fine. I am okay.
Convincing that in life options such as this would somewhat teach me to be brave. It would somehow gives me courage to pursue my dreams, to strive hard for it. To put it into reality. But now my nerves are shaking, the brain neurons are simply producing abnormal hormones.
Why on earth did I come up with such a dire choice? Believing, I can do more than this. I can do more than what is possible to bear in mind. But I am sorry, I have assured myself, convinced and have conjured that doing this tonight is the only way to survive. This is the clashing of fear and self-respect- the war of pride and need. As much as I wanted to prolong the mindset of " everything will just fall into place" I could not contained myself anymore. The pressure is hunting me.
I could no longer take the agony of my daily hiatus. It is suffocating.
My fear is forcefully wrapping me, it chills me to the bone. All these years, I have been so strong on protecting the one and the only treasure I have- my self-respect. Living decently, and clinging onto this vow was an agreement even before my parents passed away. It was a strong verbal advice, "to live decently."
But on the direst times like this, bracing myself and fastening my seat-belt are the only few things I can do to protect my demureness. My mind is in deep tremor. Would I suck myself "just" to get something? Or would I go home with my "self-respect" intact?
But I have come up with a decision, I am taking my chance- and I would not change it anymore. For tonight the buzzes of cars and deafening sound of howling old jeepneys and buses as well as their spins are the only cheering melody echoing inside my head. The flickering lights and the noise of EDSA somewhat protecting me, as if the norm's of being human living decently is still afloat. Just as you thought.
I haven myself in an ambiance worthy of a celebration. The semi- dark part of it will help me adjust, will guard me from the scornful eyes of riffraff passing by. I am wearing my gray tank top, the hair of my armpits are peeking, on my mind this could be something that would help me being noticed tonight, in addition to it- my cuts on both shoulders and chest are such a yummy thing to watch, and a cargo jeans to match it up. Definitely, anyone who wants to take a glance of it will surely bid some cash to get me, and I am not just for just a few bucks, I am up for some great deals.
Few hours have gone by. I look for a better market, a better viewpoint. In mind maybe the haven that I am on is not enough to get noticed. I scowl from the haven that I thought would protect me and somehow would help me get something, leaving it empty. I have sense the loneliness enveloping it- furthermore my ignorance was grappled by a stuck thought "what the hell are you doing on this dark shed, no one will pick you up. Go and show yourself off in the street, walk bitch!" Er, my god inside me is squinting. As if I made such delirious mistake- that containing himself is really hard to do. I need a slap.
I hover the edges and trying to instill the fact that I am up for something this dawn. Relinquishing my innocence and embarking on a hideous adjacent journey. I saw a group of faggots maligning around, grouping themselves near the traffic light. As I passed by, all eyes are on me, words of adoration are the mouthful sweet aroma I have received. The "can you be" and "are you up" are to beat. Darn these type of faggots will put me inert, and faggots like these will just take the endeavor, savoring the yummiest juice I could produce. Certainly I am not up for these gay-lads, young ones has no money. Or maybe has but not enough for the due.
Boom, I found a great spot- but it's lifeless.A seemliness of pain and fucks happened in here, the stains and the gross smell welcomed me. This is where the sourcing happened. This is where the deals occur. Stinky and dainty. A sound of snore slapdash the mindset. I saw old guy liltingly sleeping, enjoying the sweet midnight sleep over. How I wish I am doing thesame thing back home.
The fact had caused me pain. I can't do this anymore. I have to go home now! My inner being is gleefully cheering from the decision I have come up.
Catachresis slap me. Yes, there's no doubt you are idiot. I shook my head and walk up to the east. Invoking a thought to slash the ignorance my head spinning on this vinyl of truth. You need a hand friend, you need advice. Adjuring such deed is stupid and hellish. I am fighting myself from this fact. I am disembarking the fact that my full submissive self is besiege by the reality. I am not good for this. To enact the positivism to call forth.
I went upstairs and wept. I am way better than this. I am not call boy to beat. My brain, talent and skills are up for grab. I am way better than them. Though I won't degrade- since there are stories beyond those self-insulting acts. There are pain beyond those tired feet flaunting. And there are lives that depends on those smiles that enchants viewers at dawn. Gregariously, I have fallen asleep and the thought had blanch out in to the thin air.
I am home with my self-respect intact. And have implore lessons to learned in life.