My life my rules, it is something that i never aimed to have in my life, trying to stand in a distance where nobody wanted to be in there. The heart that is full of pain.
Most of the children in this world admired their father, for being generous, protective and their great provider in food, money,and love. This is the attitude of an ideal father, a dad and a friend. Somebody who is willing to help to share what he had learned in life and ofcourse someone who will never tolerate you if you did some mistakes. A loving and a just dad-
Growing up in a remote area is not an easy task or i would life for me. i never dreamed of having a great life, car,expensive gadgets, or studying in a private school. what am i trying to look for is a father figure, a father that would be your refuge during the time that you are weak and can fight no more, but that was just a dream, a dream that i dreamed not to woke up.
Violent,brutal and lazy- an attitude of a snake, this is how i describe my father to you, inconsiderate,cheater and vehement one. It hurts to have this kind of description of someone you love,someone that you thought a good person. But to lie and deny is not my forte. We suffered a lot of violence from him, i remember the time that he was chasing my mom,carrying his stick that i know would end up moms' life. It was a horrible experienced, sadly he found my mom in the middle of the bush then "punched and kicked" was the reward of it. She was bloody and catching her breath,crying i thought that my mom we're going to die. Seeing that demoniac bearing was not easy for me. The pain and the hatred started to grew, it is like a roaring lion,my emotion was bothered, i am shaking and the innocence was gone. All i have with in me is fear and the hatred that one day i will get back and revenged.
As the days passed, and counting more and more years, sometimes i wished that another day will never showed up, or i will die during the night. Its silence never gave me peace instead it gives me fear, while the wound remained fresh knowing that i takes time to be healed. An experienced that led me to become more aggressive and violent, at school and in the community where i grew up. Selfish, greedy and close minded person.
Although i excel in school, famous in my words and students we're afraid of me, i remained empty, and no happiness to be found in my heart. I become more aggressive and noisy. I even talked to my principal so damn delirious, so it brought me down. From the position in school and in my grades in Values. I don't care of what am i doing, as long as i express what i feel inside, for me it was my refuge, by telling people that i deserved to gain your respect and you should respect me according to what my life is. Sorry? i had no time for that matter. The pain grew bigger and bigger, and took over the huge part of my happiness. I became immune with my parents cat fights, hellish words we're my breakfasts, lunch and dinner. My family wasn't totally broken, but that i time i wished it is...