It was a sudden death, I couldn't believed you're gone and will never be seen forever. It brought me into tears, I swear the whole world stopped! I was deaf, mum, and shocked. I still couldn't believed that as simple as diarrhea will lead you to death. It's been a while since we talked, I was busy and also suffering from depression and fear. I was afraid, you might got mad and throw words which will lead us into fighting   again. I planned to talk to you, and apologize for what I have done wrong and what I have created- the damage, the pain and the insults  you received from me.

I wanna hear you talking and giving me advices , inspires me somehow. Telling me  "I can do it". Telling me life is good- and it is too short to mourn. I wished I could still hear you, I wish I could still see your smile and be filled with your undying great thoughts. Your smile always reminds me to do good. Your kindness lead me into doing it to others as well. You encouraged me to read more books, discover lots of things in this world. And to maximize the goodness of life.

I could really relate on MJ song that says : what have you done to the world? It's an earth song. And it's one of the most expensive music video man ever produce in the music scene.It's smooth way of saying how drastic human being abused nature. I could think it this way.  I don't know how am I supposed to feel right now- it's a mixed emotions. Things we're flashings back and forth. Everything is just really blur in sight, I could not grasp the idea of letting it out from my battleground. Instead- it digs deeper. Crawling inside me like a worm trying to hide it's skin from the ray of sun.  I don't know if i am thinking shallow, or I just missed someone. Stress Stress Stress...

I messed up on the first glanced. I could no longer see my self as a human being who strives to make it in this world.  The Pain that i am baring right now is just overflowing. It's strife made me weaker each day. Those slashes brings me nearer to extinction. As the lullabies lilting on my ear- i felt no harmony and serene on it. It always been an annoying and hellish sounds. it carries me through deep depression.  I wasn't allowed to get tired. And see my self down. It will lead me into pit. But am seeing any light along the way. All things we're dim. All road we're growing darker and darker.

It leaves me broken. It leaves me un-fine. I Wanted to think broadly. But my days were numbered, my days were struggling to make it. I am broken. I am tired.

 This is how i feel..

Broken as this..

Had you ever tried to listen the music which you loved the most, and then left it anywhere, due to numerous tracks we are getting from the music industry. Then suddenly you go back and scan it, then you remember many things from that song, either it was good or bad. Then tears started to fall, or memories of the past reminisced, then it became your habit to listen it again and again.


It was actually pretty normal to feel that way, we are human beings who live in this world full of deceit and surprises.

Do you remember the times that you are broken hearted, and you find nowhere to go, then you decided to stuck yourself in the room, so dark and the crouches kept on running, so were rats (eww).... Just to crack some jokes..

So you are alone, and you have this ipod then you choose a song, then suddenly it made you cry and cry and cry. Gosh! A baby?  Hmmmmm, not anymore.  Well it's usual.

So here is my songs, which i love the most, they help me thinking back the past, whenever i hear them everytime.

So if you feel down, think of someone who is dead, who will never ever celebrate Chirstmas, who will never ever see how wonderful the morning sun, that when it shines through, it makes you strong. When the breeze touches your skin, it glows. So when you see people smiling, it makes you alive.

Life is something that cannot be barter with anything in this world. Life  is the greatest gift from the creator.

When ever you feel sad, think of those joyful days where you give someone a joke, when you shared your answer to someone who couldn't understand. When you eat with only one bread in the morning, and it feels good when you take it, trying to imagine you are eating a huge fried chicken. Or when you visit a friend, and tell her how much she means to you. When you see your mama crying, when you see your lover excel, when you tried to impress your boss, and it works.

Life is Extraordinary! So let us love it...

The vivid color of autumn
And the vast collection of a morning mists
Drops in a thirsty city of life
that every crack close like satisfied baby....

insignificance it may  think
the era of every generation
qualms and clamor all will be heard
on riffraff whose hearts' bleed....

the tweet of a little yellow bird
the clanking sound of an approaching train
the sound of a new born son
is a marked of a new born plan.....

an old days had passed
but to reminisce is a choice
on a ruined happiness was
or the achievement's flashed...

the black zigzag road
the spark of a neon light
antique number and stains
are the picture of the untold skirmish.....

every emotions draws from your eyes
from pain or to happiness i see
every details of life you had
from bondage life to free....

eyes is your mirror, red or white
lens that see through with in you
lashes that shows determination
in every deadly evil  obstruction....

sight that see visions
views that catches clear and wide
points to points, destiny to destiny
a battle of staring, you will see...

shows love, fear and depressions
tiredness and lonesome i feel
revealed in this eyes of giants,
from simple feeling to drastic ending...

clearer the more i grasped
visions of pain and gain
from winner to loser
to stronger and weaker....

my eye is a stumbling block
from every details i am hiding
you will find the answers
by just closely staring...


what am i gonna choose?
if i will be in distress you will see
or in happiness that i am free
sealed and unsealed you can be......

A sweet little talk of love
A conversation that is pure
A much awaited topic of life
To conquer the peaceful night in dreams...

Loud and clear my vision  for fate
A destiny with bounty lessons
To learned and apply in life
To gain, care and share.....

No more tears, no more sadness
Happiness is all i obtained
From the east which i blare
To west which i spare....

The lonely night no more
The sparks of smiles i wish for
The rhythm of love and adoration
My wonderful life's compilation...

I was asked, what if i will die today, this very hour, will i accept it dear within my heart? I was stunned by this simple yet nerve wracking question. It wasn't good enough to tell someone that "yes" or a "no". It was complicated to say anything regarding with death issues. It gives such thought that i should give my life an importance and love it.

My common friend and also a blogger, faced the reality that her best friend will no longer exists in this world, i know that they were so close, sharing their wonderful moments as friends and treasuring every moments which they loved the most. From writing to any escapades that will come up from their minds they do it. But all of a sudden, just a blink of an eye " he is gone"....

Teary eyes, she told me it was one of the horrible situation for her to accept. A person which understands her so much, is now gone, facing the reality that he never went to any vacation, because it would be forever, she will never see him again. It was a heartbreaking moment and a reality to accept. A friendship that is pure, lots of plans that were planned for a celebration of  their 7th year anniversary.. But the celebration will never happen, nor the celebration would took place next time or any days soon, but there would be no more celebrations in the friendship that is pure..

It was then for all of us a hard situation to faced, a life which is great for us, our beloved people that we treasure the most. We all know the feeling of losing someone that is so dear to us.  I realized that, there were people who lived life so damn bad, not loving life which is the best gift that we received from God. A life which any treasure in this world cannot replaced it. (Sayang na buhay, nawala nang hindi inaasahan) A great life that was gone, somehow  she is looking forward in life, the next page will soon took place..

Lesson to be learned:  To you who are now reading this post, " how did you handle and manage yourself" Do you still have time to make it awesome, not only in the eyes of your crush but in the eyes of God who gave this to you?".. Our selves is the second priority in this world.. Let us take good care of it, because there were those people who loved life but still they lose it, what about you who neglect this treasure which is so adorable to have.

"Life is too short, don't make it shorter..."

In time of loneliness, there is fun;
Deep with in your suffering
lies the beauty of your dreams,
Love and care will soon happen together...


If you feel tired and blue
look up to the sky
stare the free comets and fireflies
close your eyes and we will fly....


Feel free to dream,
like you've never dream before,
Laugh and yell and ring the bell
think of something that will make everything...

Love is the answer of failure
Failure is just in mind
think of success, live free
Live according to what you believe..

In hopeless times i am here
In  distress, let your mind fly
In pain let your heart spread
Love and love again and again...


Feel the spirit of life
shine like the stars in heaven
Spread your wings
Live life to the fullest...

I just love the song that says, " earthquakes can't shake us, cyclones can't break us, hurricane can't take away our love... " It is the spirit that lead us into that conclusion, glancing back on our failures would really never helped us to attain our goals in life. It is always perseverance would matter in the game of life. Stories of survival that we can learned from, and also we can apply it on our own.

Her stunning beauty and intelligence just really spectacular, fighting for her right and to be justified is an amazing act to follow. Tall, gorgeous and intelligent. I am talking about   "Maria Venus Raj" our strong contestant for Miss Universe 2010. Once dreamed to be a beauty queen, achieved it but suddenly taken from her, but in her pursuit for justice by dethroning her, she claimed it, because she knows she deserved to be. She deserved to represent our country in this most prestigious beauty pageant. All eyes were on her, sexy body that takes the tape 35,22,35 a body of an endearing Filipina. A beauty that represents courage, confidence, persevered woman of today. She is the perfect representation of woman who we're abused and down graded by community.

She bagged the title as "Binibining Pilipinas Universe 2010" which i knew she will have it. It was one of her dreamed to win the title, the "Bicolana" beauty who lives simple life in the middle of a rice field, her runway was a narrow path, that you will never thought it was, because of her perfect move,poise and pose. Her perseverance in life was just amazing,  to achieved her goals and dreams in life. to make something better, and to taste the sweetness of being able to buy what you want, and being satisfied with what you need.

Dethroned and somehow robbed the crown from her, the issue was "inconsistency of her documents" teary eyed lass, was fighting for her crown but the main reason was she is fighting for her right. Venus is a half filipina and Arabian, her dad was from Qatar where she was born, with this inconsistency that BPCI was trying to tell us, was really shallow. BPCI told Venus to sign the resignation letter, or she will be dethroned. It was painful for her to know the fact that she will be doing the things which she never deserved to be.

Inconsistency of her birth credentials was a big challenge for Venus, crying for help and thanked God a lot of people sympathized, and help her to claim her crown. Her confidence to claimed it was another thing. Media we're  feasting the issue about her dethronement, on how will she claimed it again.

Wait for the next page to come...

Question :

Something about love, but rejected
For you who is alone and undone
Helpless and depressed of something
Thinking life is worthless.......


Something about fulfillment, but failure
Blurry dreams and a blind passion
A dead investment of  love
Compassion finds no room....

Something about family, but broken
United we stand,but broken when we fall
Thirst and hunger take over
For love and care is all been wishing...


The room of  hope and freedom
Until when the suffering lasts
Until when the emptiness reign
For this life that is full of vain........

Answer :

The battle of life is not for great
nor to the strongest  man
the harder the better it would take
the fulfillment of life is happiness....


To you who is rejected in love
Find no room to be loved
To love yourself has a mansion for it
Because to love is to live....


Life is not for people who succeed
Game is not for people who are better
To win in the game is senseless
If you don't have the effort from doing it.......

The battle is for the unqualified
For people who thinks it's impossible
To you who think cannot make it
To me who failed and depressed...

Think to quit not, chance will come
Luck will drop by, and will make you smile
Success will happen all at once
And it will make you a man............

888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888

It was already too late to celebrate the birthday of my Blog. Actually its birthday was july 26, but then i am not in the mood of celebrating it. So i wasn't able to do the plans which i made way back.

At this moment, making this award i was in the middle of trouble, i went home late and the battery of my phone was empty, i don't know what to do, lurking and finding some resting place to let my eyes relaxed. It is actually my fault, because i didn't went home early,so right now, i am really sleepy tired, so i just went to this cafe and trying to think what else can i do, to wait til the morning comes. It is hard to wait actually. Instead of lurking i better stay at one place then surf. Chat, read, listening to music is all i have now, i felt so damned sad, it feels like i am a prisoner, "hows its gonna be like one"..

So guys i want you kknow that i will be giving YOU  an aaward thar i made. It is special, it talks about friendship as you can see. Just copy and paste it on your web page too, or you can also do some posting thingy on this award. It is up to you.

To you

Jag, feil-kun, Arvin, Angels' little secret, ayu, I am Xprosaic, Glentot, Night Crawler, benh, An_ indecent mind, ced, Daij, Maggie, Sendo,  Lion heart, Angie, Donster, Life, love and lust, D,  Jepoy ......

and many more who drop and write their comments on this blog you can copy and paste this on your blog.. thank you so much!!

thank you so much................

my heart is burning in pain
wanted to escape from depression
weary and bloody inside
nobody knows how it's gonna be like...


love has no boundaries
worries took over
the beat palpitates
slowly goin' farther...

craving for new life
hoping for a new hope
live like a wood in the lake
no heart, no direction....

a human nature to be sad
sad of nothing, but banging inside
shaking my whole
leaving me empty....

where the heart remains' speechless
where the emotions' stagnant
a gypsy who dreamed to be good
till dawn he had waited for one....

i am a dreamer but has no dreams
a lover but has no love
a survivor but disgorge
meaningless poem would be this...

My life my rules, it is something that i never aimed to have in my life, trying to stand in a distance where nobody wanted to be in there. The heart that is full of pain.


The father:

Most of the children in this world admired their father, for being generous, protective and their great provider in food, money,and love. This is the attitude of an ideal father, a dad and a friend. Somebody who is willing to help to share what he had learned in life and ofcourse someone who will never tolerate you if you did some mistakes. A loving  and a just dad-

Growing up in a remote area is not an easy task or i would life for me. i never dreamed of having a great life, car,expensive gadgets, or studying in a private school. what am i trying to look for is a father figure, a father that would be your refuge during the time that you are weak and can fight no more, but that was just a dream, a dream that i dreamed not to woke up.

Violent,brutal and lazy-  an attitude of a snake, this is how i describe my father to you, inconsiderate,cheater and vehement one. It hurts to have this kind of description of someone you love,someone that you thought a good person. But to lie and deny is not my forte. We suffered a lot of violence from him, i remember the time that he was chasing my mom,carrying his stick that i know would end up moms' life. It was a horrible experienced, sadly he found my mom in the middle of the bush then "punched and kicked" was the reward of  it. She was bloody and catching her breath,crying i thought that my mom we're going to die. Seeing that  demoniac bearing was not easy for me.  The pain and the hatred started to grew, it is like a roaring lion,my emotion was bothered, i am shaking and the innocence was gone. All i have with in me is fear and the hatred that one day i will get back and revenged.

As the days passed, and counting more and more years, sometimes i wished that another day will never showed up, or i will die during the night. Its silence never gave me peace instead it gives me fear, while the wound remained fresh knowing that i takes time to be healed.  An experienced that led me to become more aggressive and violent, at school and in the community where i grew up. Selfish, greedy and close minded person.

Although i excel in school, famous in my words and students we're afraid of me, i remained empty, and no happiness to be found in my heart. I become more aggressive and noisy. I even talked to my principal so damn delirious, so it brought me down. From the position in school and in my grades in Values. I don't care of what am i doing, as long as i express what i feel inside, for me it was my refuge, by telling people that i deserved to gain your respect and you should respect me according to what my life is. Sorry? i had no time for that matter. The pain grew bigger and bigger, and took over the huge part of my happiness. I became immune with my parents cat fights, hellish words  we're my breakfasts, lunch and dinner. My family wasn't totally broken, but that i time i wished it is...

Gusto kung bumalik sa kung saan ang buhay ko'y tahimik, na walang gulo, isang taong walan muwang sa kung anu ang tinatawag na socialization. Isang taong ang hangad lamang ay mag kapera at mabuhay ng matiwasay. Walang gulo, inaalala, no insecurities,intimidation at kung anu anu pa man.

Isa akong tao na nangarap mabuhay at mabago ang buhay,tulad ng ibang kabataan na gustong mabago ang tingin sa sarili,mabago ang tingin ng magulang sa isang anak. Na mawala na ang kanilang pag dududa na di ko kayang mabuhay ng magsasarili. Isang buhay na pinapangarap kong tirhan,walang mga masasamang implowensyang sisira sa mga pangarap at buhay ng isang katulad ko. Katiwasayan at payapa and kailangan.

Nag simula akong mag trabaho sa edad na 15, sa edad na to' akoy naging isang "house boy" you might think i lived life with silver spoon or what ever you call it or a definition of rich brat kid. " I AM NOT"

I am the youngest of the two, my mom had previous family before our family started, so we are 3 included her daughter in her first husband. I lived in a remote area which most of us Filipinos lived. Remote, a place of people who has  one goal in life," to live one day at a time" but to understand it deeply, it would definitely explains like this way  " as long as they can eat three times a day life will continue, let the tomorrow problem itself ". A shallow explaination of one's life, an epitome of laziness.

Growing up in the situation where most kids doesn't have plans to go to school, instead waking up in the reality of buckling up yourself to work and work for food and for the family. My father was a graduate of martial arts take note " a deadly black belter"  an example of a strong man who is willing to protect his family from danger, from people who might hurt his loveones.  Well it would be wonderful to think of, it that is the outcome of his profession.

A battered son, flying walls was just normal for me,the annoying sound of a drunken master was always my alarm clock, an alarmed which i dream to stop forever, and will tick and tack! Dreaming of becoming somebody was always in my heart, to change my life and my family is my passion. Unlike other kids i am very observant, outspoken and hard headed, i am willing to fight even though it was my fault. Most of my classmates in school hates me, they don't like the way i act and rule the life that i have. In short i am bitter! A bitter person with a huge dream to achieved in life, a dream that would definitely changed my life.

But to achieved it, it takes time and a huge effort, sacrifices and challenges to tackled and to be faced. As a young kid, many people asked why i am so bitter, arrogant and not easy to be with, i can make the world cry for me to be justified, furthermore i can make thousands of lies to make this world believed i am innocent. And ofcourse as villain i always won the battle. I don't care if i would lose friends, but for me i would lived life according to what i wanted it to be. My life my rules!

Wait for the part 2

"sometimes competition doesn't really challenge us, it only lead into depression if we can't get what we wanted to have"

i can't make  poems anymore
my hands stops from typing
every track resounds back and forth
your glimpse has gone....


somebody owns you now my heart is in pain
impossible to touched you again
my plans shrink, can no longer roll
too late it may consider,and tears wrapped all over


i wanted to get you from that refuge
to let you know, how i feel
praying to have you not in vain
but "amour" you are in frame


i am conqueror, at heart i am fool
knight and able bodied spirit
places and realm i am brave
seiging your heart leave me undone

"amour" may that refuge will last
guiding you till at last
i hope, forever his love remains
gratified to see you in framed, even i am in vain....

"vous serez toujours mon amour dame"

Longing to let you stay
begging to stop you from assenting,
bolt blench to fall
running over in this west wide side.


rashes starts to grow
itchy and painful
my face fades like a morning mists
it was then my dreadful ending.

i wanted to blame you
 for blanching linen in the sun
i am afraid to go
annihilation is pursuing me.

i am afraid riffraff
fetch me up in this window of torment
drench me with your  love
let me feel that i am alive.

pour me a heavy dose of  antedote
i don't want to leave in distress

my breath clunk swiftly
saving myself in cruelty
running in this two edged sword
terrified it might be too late i will  be struck...

Shakey but happy,
shapeless but molded;
crying but in happiness,
crawling but with gladness....


life is mirror of one self,
a facade of dreams
a letter of tomorrow;
and a fulfillment of goals.....

life is the illusion of magician,
interpretation of   pie in the sky;
swaying in this journey
and the fruit of  the undying labor....

the stone that shines, but fades
erruption of every nub,
makes the world creepy;
stained wire and old ones passed....

lonely streets  wearing black
you can't hear the blare
nor the sounds of clamor
but look up and feel the beat....

what a silly thoughts
in this witless yak,
hearing your bawl;
but there always logic in everything....


look up, see the sky
the regression is phenomenal,
the astounding views of tomorrow;
remains with in you...

" try to understand what it means"

How many times i have told you,
how many times do i need to say this;
"love  is greater than anything to have,"
it is wonderfully made by God for human...



It is hard to ponder, but lucky to have it,
Mysterious yet it is widely open for public;
Secret but cannot be hidden,
it is  the light of the lost and the life of humanity.....

How long will you persecute me?
How long will you say " i am not good";
How long will  you say "love hurts",

Truly i never harmed you nor to anybody.......

I have given you mind and heart to choose,
I never tried to hurt but to make you happy;
Dreaming of making you the happiest one in this world,
but  because of me, your life ruined...

Now you are blaming me,
Blaming of the mistakes that i didn't do;
Creeping, crawling, struggling to survived,
I don't want to call my self "guilty"........

But when i see you crying,
It always led into that conclusion;
I am  "LOVE"  can't take hurting "you"
I am sincere and loving.....

i wish you we're here.. 
holding my hands, touching your lips..
celebrating the moments that we dreamed of..
making the best out of it...




trees are swaying in gladness..
oceans' hands were bouncing...
the blue carpet shines...
the spirit of love reigns...


strolling in this wide open space
with an open hand,looking up to the stars....
wishing to see your face...

tapping your smooth and tiny fingers...


i wish you we're here....
sitting beside me, keeping you safe
dreaming together, to love and to live..
take care, where ever you are......

Gem, it might be hard for us,  that this day, you are going to  leave. We as your friends were really in an emotional stage, trying to stop you from leaving, but the time says you have to, and we can do nothing about it. We shared together every happiness, tears and also the achievements that we have. It was a wonderful chance to shared it with you, your great ideas and your motivation to make as the best as we can be. Your great sense humor, that even in times that we thought we cannot do it, you always show that there is always a way, and thanks God we made it.

Your kindness will always be as sweet as chocolates, this will never fades in our heart and mind. Caring and loving. I thanked you for being a good friend to me, even though i sometimes had this stupid attitude,  but you remained my friend. I still remember the time, when i was sick and nobody cares about what happen to me, but you did. Showing me the essence of being a friend, and what friendship means. I am lucky that we've met.

Now that you are leaving, this might be one of the hardest part of our friendship, yes we still have the communication "i know about it" but it can never fills the feeling of longing, during the days that we had. I know it won't be easy for you to go, likewise too us. Truly friendship is the best thing to have in this world. It can never be bartered into money nor to any treasures to have in this wolrd. It is one of the few that GOD gave for us human to enjoy. The affection and the happiness that friendship brought us, it is awesome.

"Friendship is an epitome of God's loving kindness and faithfullness for us"

Thank you for the gift of friendship that you brought into our lives gem. You are truly a precious gem for us...

God Bless You in your new journey........