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Timothy Jian Smithson

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6/18/2011

When my father talk..

| | 3 comments

It's been 6 years now when I had decided to move out and have life of my own, to see what's next on this life I have. Buckling up myself was  best decision I've ever come up. To move out is like heaven coming out from the hellish place of scrotum sack where dreams remained undiscovered, where fear acted as the core of my daily skirmish. The shining armor on the house not a home is the boss, lawless violence and unpredictable thing to happen as the days unfold. While learning everything, the tricks, coping with fear and to discover  how it's gonna be like being out there, lurking freely. Nerves not shaking to the fear of being scolded or worst would be spank, slap and be tortured.

Your decisions should be followed, your word feared by everyone in the house not a home. No clamor, no blare, those rants should be kept  unsaid and those raves should be hidden in the closet securely. Looking back on those days, I felt unstable and  anytime soon I would  collapsed on the chair where I am sitting right now
.


Your nefarious gestures and indecisive act made me madly wanting to escaped from the atrocious place, where somehow my life was honed- in which taught me to strive and feel the quaking and the resounding desire to leaved and won't dare to move back, no looking back. No plans of going back, to hug you, shed some tears. Forget what you have done and forgiveness is all I need to give to you. But those desires remained in the attic. I have to breathe, I have to brace myself from beheading. Because you're my father.

To pause for awhile, seemed like a decade of loosing my breath, loosing my dreams and starting to regain them back again to see the greater depictions of what life is all about, and how it's gonna be like being out there. Forgetting it- is hard, I have to exercised my emotion not to drool, not to remember your vehemence and cruelty that reigned almost whole of my life. Sometimes I felt my dreams are getting opaque each time I saw you, each time I dealt with your stupidity and ignorance about the world. On how colorful it is, how effigy it looks like.

Close minded and bed ridden- this is how I understood and how I perceived your status in life. Your predicament, your  view about the unfairness of the world, the unattained ambitions turned out as an excused not to forgive yourself, it became a  refuge to stick barnacle on your unfulfilled dilemma. Instead of moving forward, you pretended to be strong, welled and dynamite. A team player, "you know  what pissed me off, is when you are trying to embody someone you can't be" my father is a great pretender. Indeed you are. Your frustrations thwarting and growling like a strong welled lion- howling and sobbing instead you turned out to be.

What a great man you could become, intelligent and very articulate. People adored your acumen's. A leader of a small group who  can be able to ignite the brain powers and let it jerk. You have given them inspiration to make it in life, animating their apprehension about the world, the universe, the changes of our daily lives and the capability we have to transmutate. And it made them think twice- they deserved so much to bare, the happiness, satisfaction and the success we ought to attained.

But everything you have said we're all manipulated by your intelligence by the ignorance on using it as a tool for an excuse. And that led you to demand so much in life. Abrasiveness is your description. Your trade mark.

Where on earth shall I find something good or better to describe you- as such I must prove awful to a twofold task. Awfully built by chagrin, bitter pill, annoyance and impediment.

But my hatred must end. Gnarl should put to the pit of forgetting. The stillness of peace and love must be applied and must be learned. At the end, it is YOU my father. The person who once held his hand, fuck my mom, extremely sweating to make me of who am I today. I owe you my life, the breath I have this very moment. The silence I gained was the benifit of telling me to buckle up, to shake it up. Then I have it today. Living peacefully away from your house not a home. Happily dealing with the stillness and unfairness of the so-called earth.

I love you dad..

3 comments:

  1. Happy Father's day to ur dad Tim! :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Jag: Cool, thanks man!

    ReplyDelete
  3. happy fathers day to your dad

    ReplyDelete

 
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