"Realization happens when we already into situation where there is no cracked to sneaked out and escaped from the mess which you don't want to be in."
(This post requires deeper analytical thinking. Do not judge, for you not to be judge)
The very day that I was diagnosed of HIV/AIDS, wasn't the day of my decision to make my life memorable. Yet it was the day to mourn, to cry and shout as if the whole world listens to my clamor, the blare of my mistakes. Which on that day, i wanted to go back on that past and fix the mess, so that i won't have what am i facing at the present.
Horrendous to think it this way, but i was frustrated to know and depressed. Knowing HIV/AIDS is the most horrific virus which dominates in the entire world and kill millions of people in Africa, USA, Europe and even Asia. Added on that nerve wracking fact was " I am positive." I can't consider my self as normal anymore, from the stigma which i would be getting from people whom i know would mocked and scorned somebody who is battling from this illness. Lastly it is not CURABLE.
Yes, Science accepted their defeat from finding effective medicines, and powerful vaccines to stop this epidemia. How am i supposed to think of myself, and where should i position my self and considered that everything is normal. This mind boggling issue hits my life fatally ill. Asking why Science we're lazies! Why Science boasts great inventions in things, gadgets,space shuttles, but the little capsule the tiny vaccines to prevent and cure this terrific virus- they can't do. WTF. Yes, i think as crappy as hell.
My fear of living life normal was my main problem. My daily routine will never be thesame again. I should augments and diminished. From my lifestyle and daily activities whether healthy wise or not. It is like having a relationship, it requires me to be faithful and be loyal. In this way, i could prevent my early DEATH. Upon doing this matter, i couldn't fathom how terrible it was, words to infused my mind that something will going to happen and it's positive is such a morning mist that fades away when sun shines. I care no more on sex, yet my body was my prime foe. Knowing that sex is one of my body's daily needs. I can survived for a week but months years would be a huge question.
I was just lucky enough to have free check ups, medicines, and laboratories. But having HIV/AIDS is a lifetime routine to prevent and slower its mutations. A little bit of mistake can lead into austere and baleful expiration. YES, definitely it is.
Overwhelmed with encouragements and words that would help me survived, is just so adorable. Means there we're some organization which caters this kind of issue. Helping us to buckle up and giving us the benifit of the doubt. Telling us, life will be okay, my health will be soon stabilized. Well relying on these words is all we can do. We can't think of other options since there we're no given facts and preferences to choose the best one. No option! One thing is, we are inclined to make our life better, but it depends on us on how to do it. From changing our lifestyle to augments positive deeds we had.
Yes, HIV/AIDS is not curable on this generation. But i am hoping that my next one can avail and achieved the word "stable." From medicines to hospital facilities.
Riding the wind of change and the wind of cruelty against the world is more venomous than HIV/AIDS virus. The stigma which i would getting from the society is terrifying. Morbid as it is. But the world, the minds we're closed about this. Afraid of it's sternness, hardheartedness and stringency. The domain is unstable. It can be hacked. From words that's poisonous. WE can be specimen, we can be the subject of the thesis. We can be a topic of society's deadly venom of expression. Their eyes as sharp as the eagles'. Afraid to be confronted, afraid to be seen by other people, afraid to be scorned. We find no place that we we're suited to be in. Where we can say we have the freedom to say : " Yes I am positive Of HIV/AIDS." Where we will not gonna be hidden, so that when we die we will never be crimated, if we don't like to be. We have to live normal, that's what we wished. To go back from our lives. Simple and happy. But to have this is like waiting for the sun to rise even if the storm shocks the whole universe.
I am terrified! My virus is ain't curable. It's contagious. But i am more afraid from the venom of the world. My virus is a lifetime. But world's killing us softly yet fast. Society is our main problem, the odd of our fast recuperation. Some can understand, but most will under estimate. Degrade us. Throw morbid words,which my virus reacts. My rashes multiplies, it grows in numbers not because it mutates so fast, but because world's virus is metamorphosing faster than ours.
At this very moment, my family which is the core of my being never know about my status, my condition. I don't want to spill my gut. That i screw things up. That i am dying. "I can suck penis, but to let my family suck my problem, and its sperm of responsibilities, i could not withstand." I was greedy on sex. And i just reaped what i have sown.