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7/30/2010

My life my rules, it is something that i never aimed to have in my life, trying to stand in a distance where nobody wanted to be in there. The heart that is full of pain.


The father:

Most of the children in this world admired their father, for being generous, protective and their great provider in food, money,and love. This is the attitude of an ideal father, a dad and a friend. Somebody who is willing to help to share what he had learned in life and ofcourse someone who will never tolerate you if you did some mistakes. A loving  and a just dad-

Growing up in a remote area is not an easy task or i would life for me. i never dreamed of having a great life, car,expensive gadgets, or studying in a private school. what am i trying to look for is a father figure, a father that would be your refuge during the time that you are weak and can fight no more, but that was just a dream, a dream that i dreamed not to woke up.

Violent,brutal and lazy-  an attitude of a snake, this is how i describe my father to you, inconsiderate,cheater and vehement one. It hurts to have this kind of description of someone you love,someone that you thought a good person. But to lie and deny is not my forte. We suffered a lot of violence from him, i remember the time that he was chasing my mom,carrying his stick that i know would end up moms' life. It was a horrible experienced, sadly he found my mom in the middle of the bush then "punched and kicked" was the reward of  it. She was bloody and catching her breath,crying i thought that my mom we're going to die. Seeing that  demoniac bearing was not easy for me.  The pain and the hatred started to grew, it is like a roaring lion,my emotion was bothered, i am shaking and the innocence was gone. All i have with in me is fear and the hatred that one day i will get back and revenged.

As the days passed, and counting more and more years, sometimes i wished that another day will never showed up, or i will die during the night. Its silence never gave me peace instead it gives me fear, while the wound remained fresh knowing that i takes time to be healed.  An experienced that led me to become more aggressive and violent, at school and in the community where i grew up. Selfish, greedy and close minded person.

Although i excel in school, famous in my words and students we're afraid of me, i remained empty, and no happiness to be found in my heart. I become more aggressive and noisy. I even talked to my principal so damn delirious, so it brought me down. From the position in school and in my grades in Values. I don't care of what am i doing, as long as i express what i feel inside, for me it was my refuge, by telling people that i deserved to gain your respect and you should respect me according to what my life is. Sorry? i had no time for that matter. The pain grew bigger and bigger, and took over the huge part of my happiness. I became immune with my parents cat fights, hellish words  we're my breakfasts, lunch and dinner. My family wasn't totally broken, but that i time i wished it is...

7/27/2010

Gusto kung bumalik sa kung saan ang buhay ko'y tahimik, na walang gulo, isang taong walan muwang sa kung anu ang tinatawag na socialization. Isang taong ang hangad lamang ay mag kapera at mabuhay ng matiwasay. Walang gulo, inaalala, no insecurities,intimidation at kung anu anu pa man.

Isa akong tao na nangarap mabuhay at mabago ang buhay,tulad ng ibang kabataan na gustong mabago ang tingin sa sarili,mabago ang tingin ng magulang sa isang anak. Na mawala na ang kanilang pag dududa na di ko kayang mabuhay ng magsasarili. Isang buhay na pinapangarap kong tirhan,walang mga masasamang implowensyang sisira sa mga pangarap at buhay ng isang katulad ko. Katiwasayan at payapa and kailangan.

Nag simula akong mag trabaho sa edad na 15, sa edad na to' akoy naging isang "house boy" you might think i lived life with silver spoon or what ever you call it or a definition of rich brat kid. " I AM NOT"

I am the youngest of the two, my mom had previous family before our family started, so we are 3 included her daughter in her first husband. I lived in a remote area which most of us Filipinos lived. Remote, a place of people who has  one goal in life," to live one day at a time" but to understand it deeply, it would definitely explains like this way  " as long as they can eat three times a day life will continue, let the tomorrow problem itself ". A shallow explaination of one's life, an epitome of laziness.

Growing up in the situation where most kids doesn't have plans to go to school, instead waking up in the reality of buckling up yourself to work and work for food and for the family. My father was a graduate of martial arts take note " a deadly black belter"  an example of a strong man who is willing to protect his family from danger, from people who might hurt his loveones.  Well it would be wonderful to think of, it that is the outcome of his profession.

A battered son, flying walls was just normal for me,the annoying sound of a drunken master was always my alarm clock, an alarmed which i dream to stop forever, and will tick and tack! Dreaming of becoming somebody was always in my heart, to change my life and my family is my passion. Unlike other kids i am very observant, outspoken and hard headed, i am willing to fight even though it was my fault. Most of my classmates in school hates me, they don't like the way i act and rule the life that i have. In short i am bitter! A bitter person with a huge dream to achieved in life, a dream that would definitely changed my life.

But to achieved it, it takes time and a huge effort, sacrifices and challenges to tackled and to be faced. As a young kid, many people asked why i am so bitter, arrogant and not easy to be with, i can make the world cry for me to be justified, furthermore i can make thousands of lies to make this world believed i am innocent. And ofcourse as villain i always won the battle. I don't care if i would lose friends, but for me i would lived life according to what i wanted it to be. My life my rules!

Wait for the part 2

7/24/2010

"sometimes competition doesn't really challenge us, it only lead into depression if we can't get what we wanted to have"

i can't make  poems anymore
my hands stops from typing
every track resounds back and forth
your glimpse has gone....


somebody owns you now my heart is in pain
impossible to touched you again
my plans shrink, can no longer roll
too late it may consider,and tears wrapped all over


i wanted to get you from that refuge
to let you know, how i feel
praying to have you not in vain
but "amour" you are in frame


i am conqueror, at heart i am fool
knight and able bodied spirit
places and realm i am brave
seiging your heart leave me undone

"amour" may that refuge will last
guiding you till at last
i hope, forever his love remains
gratified to see you in framed, even i am in vain....

"vous serez toujours mon amour dame"

7/21/2010

Longing to let you stay
begging to stop you from assenting,
bolt blench to fall
running over in this west wide side.


rashes starts to grow
itchy and painful
my face fades like a morning mists
it was then my dreadful ending.

i wanted to blame you
 for blanching linen in the sun
i am afraid to go
annihilation is pursuing me.

i am afraid riffraff
fetch me up in this window of torment
drench me with your  love
let me feel that i am alive.

pour me a heavy dose of  antedote
i don't want to leave in distress

my breath clunk swiftly
saving myself in cruelty
running in this two edged sword
terrified it might be too late i will  be struck...

7/16/2010



When things go wrong, as they sometimes will
when the road your trudging seems all up hill....

when funds are low, and debts are high
and you want to smile, but you have to sigh....

when care is pressing you, down a bit
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.....

life queer with its twists and turns
as everyone of us sometimes learns....

and many failures turns about
when he might have won had he stuck it out....

don't give up though the pace seems slow
you may succeed with another blow......

success is failure turned  inside out
the silver tint of the  clouds of doubt.....

and you never can tell how close you are
it maybe near when it seems so far:

so stick to the fight when you're hardest hit
It's when  things seem  worst that you must not quit....

7/15/2010




Shakey but happy,
shapeless but molded;
crying but in happiness,
crawling but with gladness....


life is mirror of one self,
a facade of dreams
a letter of tomorrow;
and a fulfillment of goals.....

life is the illusion of magician,
interpretation of   pie in the sky;
swaying in this journey
and the fruit of  the undying labor....

the stone that shines, but fades
erruption of every nub,
makes the world creepy;
stained wire and old ones passed....

lonely streets  wearing black
you can't hear the blare
nor the sounds of clamor
but look up and feel the beat....

what a silly thoughts
in this witless yak,
hearing your bawl;
but there always logic in everything....


look up, see the sky
the regression is phenomenal,
the astounding views of tomorrow;
remains with in you...

" try to understand what it means"

7/12/2010

How many times i have told you,
how many times do i need to say this;
"love  is greater than anything to have,"
it is wonderfully made by God for human...



It is hard to ponder, but lucky to have it,
Mysterious yet it is widely open for public;
Secret but cannot be hidden,
it is  the light of the lost and the life of humanity.....

How long will you persecute me?
How long will you say " i am not good";
How long will  you say "love hurts",
Truly i never harmed you nor to anybody.......

I have given you mind and heart to choose,
I never tried to hurt but to make you happy;
Dreaming of making you the happiest one in this world,
but  because of me, your life ruined...

Now you are blaming me,
Blaming of the mistakes that i didn't do;
Creeping, crawling, struggling to survived,
I don't want to call my self "guilty"........

But when i see you crying,
It always led into that conclusion;
I am  "LOVE"  can't take hurting "you"
I am sincere and loving.....

7/04/2010


i wish you we're here.. 
holding my hands, touching your lips..
celebrating the moments that we dreamed of..
making the best out of it...




trees are swaying in gladness..
oceans' hands were bouncing...
the blue carpet shines...
the spirit of love reigns...


strolling in this wide open space
with an open hand,looking up to the stars....
wishing to see your face...

tapping your smooth and tiny fingers...


i wish you we're here....
sitting beside me, keeping you safe
dreaming together, to love and to live..
take care, where ever you are......
 
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